I started writing something the other night, because it’s been much too long since I wrote anything… I tried to make it into a short prose…
I’ve been feeling somewhat strange. I’m very glad I leave for Mexico tomorrow. I need to step up my game… there are so many things I want to do and ideas I have but I just can’t produce them. I’m so much too bitter.
so I’m starting up photography again, because I really do love that stuff…always have. writing, too. Here’s what I’ve got from the story so far… it’s extremely scattered.

So, it’s been almost, but not quite a month since we’ve laughed, touched, held, or looked at one another.  There’s something about communication outside of actual contact that seems so superficial.  Not to say that without technologoy, without cell phones, without e-mail, hell, without a built in camera, the idea of us still being able to concentrate on the love we have for one another, would be difficult.  It brings me to wonder, how strong is love? Does the capacity of our mind change with the times… advancement of generation means lack of patience…. Lack of patience… we always crave humans, minutes later bitching about the tendencies of the incompetent race of mammals. I have two mannequin heads in my closet. One of them is terribly disheveled as I spent many nights with a group of friends kicking it around, standing in the same places, as if there was no where else to go except the West end of City Park. Going nowhere, it was okay… we all laughed, in pairs we hugged and kissed.  I have two mannequin heads in my closet that have a ridiculous connotation… sometimes I wish I had never pursued such an unorthodox relationship.  It began to rain the other day, I listened to Leonard Cohen and Light Travels Faster…brining my mind back to the days of naïve thought, break-ups, break-downs, and then I was beat.  Beat down, I was terribly beat down with the system.  Later, this beat down feeling turned into chronicles of obsession. Until I threw it all away, sat in the apartment filled with cigarette smoke and incense, to this day I am drowned in nostalgia… It, him, us. Never knew where to go… I contemplated every night. I scribbled down ideas, I scribbled down shitty prose and poetry, and even shittier drawings.  Just to bring me out of an atmosphere I did not care for. This brought me completely out of touch with love, with appreciation, with family, with friends.  I hopped on a train and my mind raced with the scenery. Whether it be trees, whether it be snow, so much god damn snow, the neon signs for pathetic fast food, or even the sunrises, the sunsets that almost brought to me to tears…my mind struggled for new thoughts, new ideas. A resolution. Resolutions; as if walking down Colfax Ave in freezing cold weather, light headed from hookah smoke, and light minded from long conversation between two older men who have lived more, seen more, know more… would do me any good.  Lost romance still pained my heart, paucity of real friendship seemed hazy, as I refused to believe it.  So, there I went, busting my ass… finally I changed my direction of education… I started to believe that I can bring myself out of this unwanted place.  I was not removed of the need for beauty and love, though.  As soon as necessities were fulfilled I became even more materialized.  It may be a routine… I may be like every other girl, wishing for beauty, wishing for someone to hold onto. I had that someone, yet so out of reach…I took a roadtrip with my best friend. I had no idea where he was, or even who he was. I made myself believe he did not have a place in my heart. Hell, I said, I’m still young… but there he was, sitting next to me, too impossible not to bury my face in his chest.  I brought myself to tears.  Tears of joy, because don’t you know, romance is the most beautiful sense of joy in the world.  Angst quit building up, eventually. Until I sat in the coffee shop one evening, as my archaic  mentor filled me up with sadness and anger… I fucked up. You fucked up. Isn’t that the forlorn exploit of growing up? Apparently, I was ahead of myself. Bullshit, bullshit and lies.  I threw it on the ground…. Embraced new friendships, and still had this beautiful romance. I still had two god damned mannequin heads in my closet. I tried my best to channel my energy. I wrote letters, I drew pictures, and there I went again with shitty prose and shitty poetry as I am doing now.  Sitting on the hood of the car, eating ice cream with three of my best friends, as I saw a piece of plastic being destroyed, laughing harder than I could remember. I’m taking that to my grave, it never happened. I just don’t know where it is. It was all finished. All finished. I woke up to a text message I never expected. I had a conversation that I never expected, either. So there we were… the end? The beginning? Neutrality is such bull shit. Hello, summer.  The days last so much longer, the love is so much greater… we had to say goodbye, goodbye, but not for long. We stood on my front porch. I tried my hardest not to let go. I wore his pants and knew it would be okay. I enjoyed my time on the beach, my time with the family… I got home and was cleaning, I found his hat.  I’ve spent the days busy…busy with friends, busy with work…. Having a good time.  Time well spent.  I’ve seen plenty of films and made myself wish I was a decent artist.  But even the impressionists copied the masters, so what is impressive art? Quality is so fake; authenticity is even less genuine.  Fuck, the human race is unique? At least that causes us without need to get hung up on quality. Face it, your art sucks. You’re not Picasso. But in one hundred years, after you have had the training, you have a masters, but you begin to copy the master’s work, and we find it locked away, maybe then my friend, maybe then in one hundred years you will have your art in a book or a museum. And maybe then I’ll have those fucking mannequin heads out of my closet.  Many days, I wonder if we will ever speak again. I wonder if I want to. But these days, I’m just counting down the date until I can be in my boy’s arms again. We’ve come a long way… a very long way. I don’t see it losing touch. I see us seeing those trees, snow storms, neon signs, sunsets, together… us, the beauty of us. I want us to have a puppy, a terribly cute one. Maybe one day even our own apartment. Fantasies are never reality. My right arm is terribly scraped up, bleeding, bruised. I can barely move it. I have blood on my sheets and have gone through many pieces of gauze and tape. Why don’t we wear helmets? Why don’t we care about things that matter? I started talking to old friends of mine. Old best friends. Absolute best friends. It brought me back to a state of contentment with where my “friendships” stand. Because then I realized, these people mean more to me than they will ever now. Maybe nostalgia of sitting in that apartment will over take me… I remember sitting on the exercise ball, laughing as he bent to get something, I always, quite secretly, thought he was so god damn hot, and I just fell off onto my ass.  Minutes later he went to put on his shoes and did the very same.  There were times when I just forgot who he was and wanted to touch him. You know, hands. It quickly left my mind, though. It was just random moments. I then realized maybe my efforts should be going elsewhere. In days these efforts will have paid off. I’m going to Mexico to offer my help to under privileged children. I want to take pictures there. Meaningful ones. Why is the need for nice equipment so prominent? Needs….i hope I enjoy myself. I cannot wait until I come home. Back to his arms. We will spend nights under the stars. I will not know what’s going on with anybody else. My arm keeps getting stuck to my sheet.  There are some days, where you can’t help but feel figuratively stuck. Not stuck like the bloody wound on my arm, but quite baffled.  Isn’t it unbelievable how our loved ones are just filled with thoughts that make us feel as if we are just another face in the crowd?  There are days when I wished back in the winter or the early spring time, I showed affection because I missed the feeling of being exclusive with an individual.  You spend the afternoon pleasuring one another when that very same night they are pouring into another girls’ heart.  Walking down Broadway, being complimented by the old broken down bums, indie love songs flowing through my head, as I wanted nothing  more but a hand to hold. I was missing a glove but I wasn’t missing the need for tenderness.  I miss having someone to kiss. We stared at the lake, the ducks splashing in the water, our bicycles thrown to the ground.  Later that night I realized some things are just not meant to happen.  Spiritual connections cannot be taken for granted.  Still, what good came out of the warm embracement of someone who had other ideas and plans? Still looked to me as a muse, yet I acted so apathetic.  Apathy, oh sweet apathy, sometimes masking the need and want for love is so impossible.  God damn, who am I kidding I thought? I can never tell, never ever tell… I went on a date, what a different thing for me. We talked about travel, about places that I have only seen in pictures, about places that I could only dream to see one day, my one passion.  He told me he wanted to take me there, he wanted to learn from me and made the point to say I could learn from him.  I thought this was the beginning of the end.  The end of an era, the end of almost two years, when we had spent the last several months juggling ourselves.  We came back to each other, I said I’m not ready, or more so, I cannot love anyone else to this inadequate pawn and there we were…sitting in the car, the sun beating down, facing the zoo. My head buried, makeup residue on his tee shirt, the idea of “love” became prominent in my mind.  But I still wondered, who am I in this sea of billions? In his sea of several? Although now to this day, I am not scared. I feel inadequate and there are many traits that make him vulnerable, impressionable, that make me feel as if I’m translucent… no one really knows the ones they love… But still to this day, many more days to come, I still want a puppy.  I want us to continue laughing, even laughing at those god damn mannequin heads in my closet.  I want us to travel together, previous thoughts left behind.  This is growing up.  I remember I fucked up.  Or maybe I have continued to fuck up.  Although, sometimes through the pessimistic haze we forget the memories that create heartbreak and shame, because who are we kidding? We didn’t go this far for nothing.

I feel like this whole year I’ve been attempting things that on the surface seem too much for me to handle but in the end, if you put your mind to something (yes, the cheesy sayings are true) and really pull your shit together, it’s easy to accomplish things.  Now, I’m talking experiences in the bigger picture… traveling the country, opening my horizons to different forms of education, friendships, relationships, the aspects of life you will hold onto forever because they mold your future…

Now, it’s summer! And I’m ready to use my creative mind to look past the more important things and start creating… I’ve had lots of things I’ve wanted to do, to make, etc… nows the time to do it. I’ll keep a list. Lists are easy to navigate. Sometimes. If you’re a good blogger. And in this case, I am not. But it’s also 2:30 AM and I am bored (productivity starts in small stages…..)

1. More abstract photography.
Now, I don’t really dig the photography medium. I used to, it was my passion, it’s a long story as to why I drifted away from it. But I’ve noticed I like making really out of the ordinary shots… sure, I could pick up a plastic camera made by Lomo to do that…but I decided to use a 35mm camera I already have (well, it is a lomo i picked up off Craigslist…the Action Sampler) and I’m turning the sucker into a medium format.
I don’t know how it will work, but basically I removed the back and just covered a piece of cardboard, a little larger than the size of the camera with a space big enough to fit a roll of 120. I’m going to make a door for the film, then loading it/advancing it will be the hard work.
There should be some sick shots though. Nice vignettes for sure. We’ll see how that works out. Working on an Oatmeal Box pinhole as well.

2. Screen printing
If I don’t accomplish it this summer, this will be the third year i’ve put this off. Either a class or just on my own, i don’t care. I really want to screen print. Problem being I have absolutely no visual arts talent so the designs themselves would be pretty shitty..or I can use premade designs… I just want to do it.

3. Get travel plans started
I’ve never had such a desire to travel the world…well, I’ve always had that yearning but the last few weeks it has been killing me. I need to study abroad, so I’m thinking next year.  Prague would be my first choice…a bit of a stretch, because of course I know absolutely no Czech. But I’d much rather experience a culture/language that I do not know at all…i know going to a Spanish speaking country would be the most practical, but since when do I of all people focus on practicality? Italy would be the second choice. Beyond that, I haven’t really thought about it.
I want to get plans for a trip to Israel put together as well. I could not handle studying there, so I think I’ll try to go with a group…but not one that is brain-washing…because chances are a group like that, I’d have very different opinions in regards to the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. I could talk for hours about that, so I will restrain.
San Francisco/New York isn’t going to happen this summer…between Florida and Mexico and working I don’t think it’d fit in well, especially because UCD starts August 11th because of the DNC. I’d rather work my ass off and have a good time with that scratch, then as class starts I’ll still have my job and save those funds for a trip over winter break. Man, wouldn’t life be nice if I could just hop on a train right now?
Something about the trains…so romanticized, yet so grueling…but so beautiful… I just want to do it again.

5. Yoga
My best friend, Emma, and I have been planning to start doing Yoga since January and just haven’t gotten around to it.  I’m a very conscious person when it comes to health and I think yoga would be a positive thing for both fitness reasons and mindful reasons. When I exercise, I like it to have a positive effect on my mind rather than just my body…that’s why I really enjoy cycling. It’s a natural high.

6. Build up a bicycle
Simple enough, if funds persist. Which they probably won’t.

7. Play music
This is something else that always sounds easier/better in my head. I’ve been blowing a saxophone for like six years and I still cannot play shit. I think partly it’s because I grew completely out of my ska-obsession…I used to play with hopes to be in a ska band or some shit.  Hope for that is gone. I wish I could sing…i’m almost tempted to look into buying a moog or something ridiculous. re-teach myself keys…

8. Keep on writing
I go through phases with that… I need to do something worth reading. My writings from my trip across America are fairly cool. I’ve written some philosophical pieces in the past few months I’m happy with. But if I really want to pursue writing, because that really is my favorite form of expression and hobby… gotta keep on doing the short stories, the real life journalism, stick in some poetry….. i’m so self conscious about it but only cause that’s what i really dig.

Will add more later.

It’s seventy two degrees and I’m sitting on my front porch because I’m locked out of my house.  But, I’ve got to say, despite the surplus of bees, blogging outdoors is quite enjoyable.  

Anyone who has spent enough time in Denver to experience at least two different seasons (preferably contrasting ones) knows that the terms “sunny/rainy/snowy/winter/summer/weather report/etc.” mean absolutely nothing.  Even in the dead winter, I have been in constant denial about the forecast…C’mon, I’m a cyclist and sometimes a runner (but a lot less now).
It’s the middle of May and it’s already snowed a couple times and we’ve had days with so much wind it feels like it’s ten degrees fahrenheit.  

Of course, this does not stop me from getting on my bicycle, but it causes my rides to only be around five miles because I have no time for joy riding.  I hate days where I don’t get on my bike.  What can I say? I love my bicycle and I enjoy working out.

This morning it looked sunny out and no wind! Eli and I rode down to Saint Marks and then I realized I’ve been putting off rebuilding my hub for much too long and I hadn’t been to Scum of the Earth Bicycle Factory in much too long as well.

Kevin and I got the hub rebuilt with no trouble until it was time to put the front wheel back on and we had put too many bearings on one side…woops… it may be an easy job, but it’s damn tedious.  I also decided to remove my breaks for awhile (no, not to be an obnoxious cyclist who wants to drop the “Look, I’m more bad ass than you” card…at least I wear a helmet…) but just to try it out.  I always feel obligated to take advice from Eli.

Summer is getting closer and closer…I absolutely cannot wait.

Go out and enjoy the sun, please. 

So, this year has been crazy (I think every student…whatever level…defines ‘the end of the era’ by the nine months of school and the three months of summer. Not the traditional jan-december).

Here’s a playlist in order from August until now. It’s all very good music and you should all listen to it. And if you want to get your hands on some of it, let me know.

Here Comes the Summer - the Fiery Furnaces

493 Ruth - Bomb the Music Industry!

Ghost of Corporate Future - Regina Spektor

The Angels Hung Around - Rilo Kiley

Todos Los Dolores - Devendra Banhart

Shabop Shalom - Devendra Banhart

Preface to the Stars - Light Travels Faster

Better Company (live) - Light Travels Faster

Cemetery Gates - The Smiths

This Charming Man - The Smiths

Suzanne - Leonard Cohen

Store Room - Leonard Cohen

The 1234 - The Start

Rebellion (lies) - The Arcade Fire

Exit Does Not Exist - Modest Mouse

Heart it Races - Architecture in Helsinki

Hold Music - Architecture in Helsinki

Like it Or Not - Architecture in Helsinki

Click Click Click Click - Bishop Allen

Things Are What You Make - Bishop Allen

All Night Diner - Modest Mouse

A-Punk - Vampire Weekend

The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance - Vampire Weekend

The Flowers She Sent and the Flowers She Said She Sent - The Magnetic Fields

Dancing’s Living - Kissing Party

The Chimbley Sweep - The Decemberists

Billy Liar - The Decemberists

Oh Yoko! - John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band

Postcards from Italy - Beirut

Scenic World - Beirut

All Her Favorite Fruit - Camper Van Beethoven

TIK TIK TIK - FAIRUZ

I Burn Today - Frank Black

Return of the Frog Queen - Jeremy Enigk

The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side - The Magnetic Fields

Come Back from San Francisco - The Magnetic Fields

I Think I Need a New Heart - The Magnetic Fields

Look Out Young Son - Grand Ole Party

Long Distance Drunk - Modest Mouse

The Stars are Projectors - Modest Mouse

Heretics - Andrew Bird

Spare-Ohs - Andrew Bird

For Reverend Green - Animal Collective

Fireworks - Animal Collective

Winter Wonder Land - Animal Collective

I Don’t Blame You - Cat Power

How it Ends - DeVotchKa

Reno Dekota - The Magnetic Fields

Us - Regina Spektor

Your Honor - Regina Spektor

The Good That Wont Come Out - Rilo Kiley

Paint’s Peeling - Rilo Kiley

A Better Son/Daughter - Rilo Kiley

My Generation - Spoonboy

When My Boy Walks Down the Street - The Magnetic Field

Pony Ride - The Crash

Big Ass Love - The Crash

I probably should have just done an album or two for each month. But there you have it.

As for reading material, I’m so glad I discovered John Fante. If you’re a Bukowski fan you will love it… but it’s amazing. “Ask the Dust”. I can’t wait to finish it.

So that’s that. And thanks to a quote from Robert Blake for putting a smile on my face.

So, I write a lot. I generally keep it hand-written, but I’ve also been known to blog. Here’s another blog.

It’s just going to be a slight collection of things I enjoy. Books, bicycles, music, the city of Denver, traveling, writing, culture, film…entities that are fairly easy to be blogged about for the (slight) amusement of others.

Generally I’m going to keep it very light-hearted…not post any of that esoteric stuff for the most part.

I’ve made a goal for myself to start picking up new hobbies that fit in my realm of appreciation simplistic creativity. This will include the need for lots of pens (preferably different colors of Pigma Microns), patterned paper, fabrics, yarn/string, canvas… then I have to blow the dust off of my thirty-five mm cameras, pick up some film, and make something colorful.

All I really want to do with myself is ride bicycles and never drive a car (so far the world has compiled to that), write things…with or without substance, make pretty things, and stay in the company of great people. Oh and the biggest desire is to travel the world.

There you have it. I will keep this updated with anything from a fantastic playlist I happen to make, a book I read, an adventure I partake in, maybe bitch now and then.

(i think the only reason i have this is lack of any sort of facebook, myspace, any of that stuff……)